Rogue Carrots

(Note:  This site this article was originally posted on is now defunct, so I felt need to reproduce it here.  Maybe I'll move it again later.)

At dinner last night, I noticed a stray carrot on top of the butter dish lid.  When I inquired as to its provenance, I was informed that it had rolled onto the floor.  The horror!  This carrot was not only a stray, but a rogue—dare I say a feral?—carrot!  This led to an intense discussion about the dangers that may be foisted on our family and the general public by feral carrots.  Not only are they unsightly, causing immense environmental damage to our carpets, but they pose a direct threat to any human life that may step on them and slip.  They also serve as a food source for other unwanted pests that spread disease, or they may grow mold that will release spores and make us sick.  It was resolved that Something must be done about this grave threat.

Rouge carrots have been an increasing threat in many parts of the country and state.  You probably haven’t noticed them, but they’re there.  How many rogue carrots can you spot in this picture?

Here’s another angle, a little closer:

They’re everywhere. 

Imagine all the damage they could do!

Some of them are quite grotesque, 

and rather menacing. 

Luckily, it’s legal to shoot these guys on sight.

In order to eliminate the threat from rogue carrots, we decided that Daucus carota (which is not even native to North America) would no longer be allowed in the house.  (This doesn’t affect carrots that are actually living and reproducing in the wild, but we have to Do Something.)  Of course, we do not wish to discourage the consumption of the beta-carotene-rich Daucus sativus, so we felt the need to establish guidelines in telling the difference.

Daucus carota comes in many different shapes and sizes.  We will distinguish between the wild Daucus carota (or any offspring or genetic variation thereof) and the domesticated carrot by phenotype, or in other words its physical characteristics.

Prohibited carrots display one or more of any of the following criteria:

Roots: Daucus carota may exibit hairy roots.

Point coloration: Daucus carota may exhibit “points” or be darker colored along the ‘shoulder’.

Color: Daucus carota exibits a number of color combinations, ranging from pale yellow or white to dark purple.

Appearance: Daucus carota may have a long, slender body; or be short and squat.

Seeds: Daucus carota seeds may be ridged or wrinkled, with or without bristled coverings.  Hybrid seeds may or may not display any of these characteristics.  

Tops:  Daucus carota may have long, feathery, or ruffled leaves, or appear without any leaves.

Other characteristics that may be identified by the scientific community.

  

Update:

We informed our son (who plants everything:  he has avocado pits on the window sill, maple tree sprouts in cans on the porch, and cannot throw away an apple core without saving the seeds) that the growing of feral or wild carrots (as determined by phenotype, above) is no longer allowed in the house and he would have to remove the carrots from the windowsill or face severe punishment.  In order to be in compliance, it was determined that the bag of baby carrots in the fridge also had to be disposed of, even though it was remarked that they seemed to be secure in their bag and no one had ever seen a carrot escape from such an enclosure. 

 We were forced to shoot the baby carrots for the greater good.  Here is a shot of the carnage.

Most of the baby carrots were obliterated by the nine millimeter rounds, but you can see what is left of them, lying next to their mother whom we also dispatched.

Everyone satisfied?  After all, the only proper place for a carrot is on a state-approved monoculture factory farm, grown only from seeds that have been approved by the government (and their corporate sponsors).